I call miscarriage number 2 my middle child. I don't know much about middle children. In my family, I have a brother who is the oldest and me, the baby. What I do know is that often they feel neglected.
About 6 months after my first miscarriage, I caught my rainbow. 5 days before my period, after a night out with my girlfriends I took a test. I'm a "need to know as soon as possible" kind of girl. And there it was, a second pink line. I honestly couldn't believe it. I bought 2 more tests the next morning and all came up with the same result. I was pregnant again.
I didn't know how to tell my husband. He had suffered in silence through the first miscarriage and I was nervous to put him in on this roller coaster ride again.
5 days later, to my astonishment, my period arrived on cue....I ran to the bedroom crying. My husband, who thinks I am crazy even at normal times was a bit alarmed. A period is a common thing and not something to be sobbing about. It was only then that I told him about the tests.
Chemical pregnancy....another early miscarriage and another blow to the heart. I didn't even know if I could honestly count it....if I hadn't taken an early test, I wouldn't even know about this one. But no, it counts...at least to me...
Friday, 16 August 2013
Thursday, 15 August 2013
miscarriage number one
I miscarried my first baby at 11.5 weeks. The bleeding started on a Sunday. I went to the emergency room and they really couldn't tell me anything. They scheduled an emergency ultrasound for the next morning.
Ultrasound techs have an interesting job. When things go well, it must be such a joyous experience to point out the little hands and feet to the new mom and dad up on the screen while they debate amongst themselves whether or not they think it is a boy or a girl. But when it goes bad...I'm sure they wish they were in any other job possible.
I walked into the room dreading the worst. I knew...deep down in my gut I knew...it was over....My baby measured 8.6 weeks and there was no heartbeat. I can still hear her words, "I'm sorry" . I asked if I could see the screen, in fact, I begged her. I told her I needed to see my baby...I am not sure if it was protocol or not, but she let me. And there she was (I think she was a she)...an almost fully formed little beautiful baby. She was mine...and I was her mother.
After the ultrasound, a "Doogie Houser" doctor met me and told me that since I had already started bleeding, I should go home and let nature take its course.
Well nature must hate me because I ended up in the ER the following morning and ended up spending the next night in the hospital because "nature" decided to go all Tsunami on my body. I lost way too much blood, had a borderline deadly blood pressure...and could have died. My poor husband was there with me through the entire ordeal.
They sent me home the following morning with pamphlets and pitied looks. I thought that was the worst I could ever feel...but who knew...that was only miscarriage number one.
Ultrasound techs have an interesting job. When things go well, it must be such a joyous experience to point out the little hands and feet to the new mom and dad up on the screen while they debate amongst themselves whether or not they think it is a boy or a girl. But when it goes bad...I'm sure they wish they were in any other job possible.
I walked into the room dreading the worst. I knew...deep down in my gut I knew...it was over....My baby measured 8.6 weeks and there was no heartbeat. I can still hear her words, "I'm sorry" . I asked if I could see the screen, in fact, I begged her. I told her I needed to see my baby...I am not sure if it was protocol or not, but she let me. And there she was (I think she was a she)...an almost fully formed little beautiful baby. She was mine...and I was her mother.
After the ultrasound, a "Doogie Houser" doctor met me and told me that since I had already started bleeding, I should go home and let nature take its course.
Well nature must hate me because I ended up in the ER the following morning and ended up spending the next night in the hospital because "nature" decided to go all Tsunami on my body. I lost way too much blood, had a borderline deadly blood pressure...and could have died. My poor husband was there with me through the entire ordeal.
They sent me home the following morning with pamphlets and pitied looks. I thought that was the worst I could ever feel...but who knew...that was only miscarriage number one.
Wednesday, 14 August 2013
It's not really a baby until 12 weeks you know
From the first moment I saw those 2 pink lines on a stick I was a changed woman forever. I could not stop smiling.
I joined every online baby community there was. Babycenter, the bump, you name it, I joined it. I was so excited to finally have gained entry into the mommy club. Each week, I would receive a new notification about how big the size of the little nugget growing inside of me was. I was already planning his or her jungle themed nursery and researching the best car seats on the market.
It was hard to keep it a secret in those first few weeks. I really wanted to shout it out to the world but instead we only told a few close friends about our joyous news.
This was the best pregnancy ever. No morning sickness, just fatigue. Of course, I had done my research and just thought I was one of the lucky women out there who was blessed to not have morning sickness. I wish I knew then what I know now.
After having found out that I was low on B12 and my precious new baby needed this, I was getting weekly injections. I headed to a walk in clinic to have an injection. I was not yet at 8 weeks, so I hadn't had my first "real" obstetrician visit.
This is how the visit went.
"Hello, I'm Dr. Asshole, any medical issues?"
" I'm 7 weeks pregnant!".....me, grinning from ear to ear
"Oh....well you know we don't really consider a woman pregnant until she is 12 weeks along. Here's your shot, have a good day"
I walked out of the office dejected and destroyed....I think I knew right then and there that this was not just an asshole comment and I would not make it until 12 weeks...this was foreshadowing of what was to come....miscarriage number one.
I joined every online baby community there was. Babycenter, the bump, you name it, I joined it. I was so excited to finally have gained entry into the mommy club. Each week, I would receive a new notification about how big the size of the little nugget growing inside of me was. I was already planning his or her jungle themed nursery and researching the best car seats on the market.
It was hard to keep it a secret in those first few weeks. I really wanted to shout it out to the world but instead we only told a few close friends about our joyous news.
This was the best pregnancy ever. No morning sickness, just fatigue. Of course, I had done my research and just thought I was one of the lucky women out there who was blessed to not have morning sickness. I wish I knew then what I know now.
After having found out that I was low on B12 and my precious new baby needed this, I was getting weekly injections. I headed to a walk in clinic to have an injection. I was not yet at 8 weeks, so I hadn't had my first "real" obstetrician visit.
This is how the visit went.
"Hello, I'm Dr. Asshole, any medical issues?"
" I'm 7 weeks pregnant!".....me, grinning from ear to ear
"Oh....well you know we don't really consider a woman pregnant until she is 12 weeks along. Here's your shot, have a good day"
I walked out of the office dejected and destroyed....I think I knew right then and there that this was not just an asshole comment and I would not make it until 12 weeks...this was foreshadowing of what was to come....miscarriage number one.
Tuesday, 13 August 2013
clocks
I never wanted to be a mother. Traveled the world in my 20's, met my husband in my early 30's and the 2 of us settled into a comfortable life together....and besides, I had an amazing dog who seemed to fulfill all my mothering needs. And then one day it hit me. The clock. You know the clock I mean. The one that goes tick tock, tick tock on your ovaries almost like a ticking time bomb.
Here I was in my mid 30's, now deciding that I wanted to become a mom, to all things a human!...and I was not taking no for an answer from my husband. Luckily, at least I like to believe it was luck, he may also have heard that clock and he really wasn't too opposed to the idea.
After spending years trying not to get pregnant, I really didn't think I would have any fertility issues but after almost 2 years of trying, I was starting to lose hope. I was 37 years of age and time was no longer on my side.
And then one day it happened. 2 lines came up instead of one....who knew, that a year later, I would have suffered 3 miscarriages and still have no baby.
Here I was in my mid 30's, now deciding that I wanted to become a mom, to all things a human!...and I was not taking no for an answer from my husband. Luckily, at least I like to believe it was luck, he may also have heard that clock and he really wasn't too opposed to the idea.
After spending years trying not to get pregnant, I really didn't think I would have any fertility issues but after almost 2 years of trying, I was starting to lose hope. I was 37 years of age and time was no longer on my side.
And then one day it happened. 2 lines came up instead of one....who knew, that a year later, I would have suffered 3 miscarriages and still have no baby.
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